Not responsible for my hope

A friend once posed the question to me “where would you be if you didn’t know God?” and without thinking I said “dead”. My answer may seem dramatic but it isn’t for show. I know it to be true. If I had been left to my own devices I wouldn’t have survived the last few years of my life. It has been very heavily burdened with overwhelming and seemingly impossible circumstances. Things so big they seem to mount on top of one another, making sky high road blocks, preventing me from going back to my “normal” life. The path I was hoping for included working in my chosen career, providing for my son and hopefully finding love and expanding our family. Seems fairly simple right? I thought so and after everything I had been through I thought I was owed at least that much.
My friend’s question is a fair one and the fact that my answer came with such ease had a staggering effect on my perspective. I came to know the truth about who Jesus is 3 years ago. Growing up my family and I always made light of other people’s belief in God. It was a common ground we shared to laugh and joke about “religious” people and their rituals. Previously, I had walked toward self-destruct, but it hadn’t worked, and there was no love there. I was searching for significance and a reason to change. I was so desperate for love I walked right out of my comfort zone. That little step, in what I now know was my first made in faith, started a journey that has sustained my life.
The more I learn about Jesus and his gifts for me the more certain I am that I am not alive by mistake. There is a reason I’m still here. I wish I could tell you I knew exactly what it is, but God hasn’t made that completely clear…yet. What I do know for certain is that I am no longer solely responsible for my own hope. This has lifted an enormous burden off me. I have an source to draw from, one I don’t have to work to receive from. “Every good gift bestowed, every perfect gift received comes to us from above, courtesy of the Father of lights.” (James 1:17a -The Voice)
Humans are not capable of endless giving. We grow tired and weary. We seem to drain ourselves dry especially when it comes to helping others. I know I do. My heart aches for other people in their pain, I want to give but I have nothing to draw from. Especially since the stress in my life caused physical illness. I became so physically depleted by my own pain I would grasp in desperation for comfort. But God isn’t like us “He is consistent. He won’t change His mind or play tricks in the shadows” (James 1:17b). A source that is made perfect in my weakness. He endlessly gives to me, grace, hope and wisdom. Not seeking anything in return, but out of His complete and perfect love for me. Even in my broken and sinful nature, always wanting more. A love so powerful that it can stand alone, separate from my actions. The security given through such love causes change all on its own. I love Him, because He first loved me. The flow of living water fills me with hope not of my own or built on my works. Allowing me to keep going when life’s circumstances told me to give up long ago. So “I lift my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Ps 121:1-2 NIV)

Leave a reply