Powder Heart

I for one am glad that the pains of my soul can’t be seen from the outside. Although my body is broken with sickness and stress it is not visibly noticeable from a distance. Children point and say “Mommy she is tall!” I’m not sure I could handle someone pointing at me and declaring “Look how broken her heart is”. Sometimes I feel as though it is so broken there is nothing left but a fine powder. I drag it behind me like a heavy weight in a netted sack and some spills out here or there, stepped on by people as they pass me by. Some days I think I would be lighter if I didn’t have to carry this broken heart, just better off without it. But I would literally be leaving a piece of myself behind. On those days I wonder it if is worth it to be sensitive, to allow myself to be vulnerable. It seems counter productive from my perspective right now, if I hadn’t trusted I couldn’t have been betrayed. Is the old phrase true “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”? With a long line of similar hurts in my past it makes me wonder: is it me? I have been told that I am a good friend, but what I am learning is that to expect the same in return is unrealistic and some days I might even say foolish. Now I must suffer through the transition that loss brings, remembering at every turn, good or bad, that my “friend” is not there to share it with me. It feels like a new betrayal every time. And I wonder again did I do something to deserve this? Am I that hard to love? Jesus doesn’t think so.
I will admit that wasn’t my first conclusion. I fed that lie and it took me for a ride. I let myself believe that I am not worth loving or being friends with. That I take too much effort and no one wants to be bothered. Which raises more questions in turn, can I trust anyone now? If I can’t trust does that mean I lack faith? Am I a crappy Christian? But God knew I would have doubts, he knew there would be peaks and valley’s in my faith. It brings me comfort that although I am tossed about the waves and my feelings change with the wind that He is always the same. He never gets tired of fighting for me. “The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” (Isaiah 40: 28b-29 NKJV)
God’s love gives me confidence and strength that even if the love I give to others is not reciprocated, then I will not be left destitute. He loves me enough to make up for what I may lack. He says “Since you were precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you; Therefore I will give men for you, and people for your life. Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 43:4-5 NKJV). If I have that much value to God then allowing the opinions and actions of mere people to carry weight in my life seems to be a set up for disappointment. I would like to one day say that I can love others independent of their love for me. How much would my view of the world around me change if one wasn’t dependent on the other? That is how God operates after all, we don’t have to love Him for Him to love us. “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19 NKJV) He wants us to choose to love him, but He won’t change His mind about us if we don’t.
I pray that some day the powder my heart has been refined into will be a source of light for someone some where. That my pain has a purpose and in it I used my gifts to glorify God. Recently, my Dad explained to me why the water in Lake Louise looks different than of other bodies of water. When a glacier pushes its way through the mountain rock, it slowly over thousands of years, grinds the rock into a fine powder. The powder is then trapped in the ice, once it melts and becomes a lake, the powder remains in the water. The sunlight reflects off of the tiny flecks of rock making the water seem as if it is glowing, the most brilliant greens and blues. I hope that one day I will see it in person to take in the full grandeur of God’s handiwork. But if I don’t, just like the powder that is left of my heart, I may not see the extent or impact that my suffering and growth here on earth has had on others. But I believe, from past experience, that God has beautiful plans for this unfinished work. His word says that he will finish what he started: “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NIV). Just as a crushed mountain side becomes a beautiful lake, God will turn my heartache into something that brings healing and hope to others when they need it the most. “He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted…comfort all who mourn…to give them beauty for ashes” (Isaiah 61:1-3 NKJV)

One thought on “Powder Heart

  1. This is a wonderful ponderance. It is raw and life giving as it gives glory back to our giver of Life.

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