Feb. 28, 2018
Today was rough. Last night I had a few hours of good sleep, I woke up at 1am. After that I was unable to find peace. I went in and out of sleep, so restless, dreaming as usual that I was in trouble and couldn’t escape. The little sleep I used to live on before falling ill is the amount I worry about getting now. Hard to imagine that I could work a full night shift, cook for others, do yoga and help my son with his homework then tuck him in all on 5 hours of fit-full sleep. Now only 5 hours leaves me in bed in pain for most of the day. Today was one of those days, I had a sozo this morning to help me release some of my fears. It was an exhausting blur, that’s all I really remember of it. Except that we prayed I would hear from God and my ability to write freely would be restored and here I am. Too wound up to sleep, to tired to read. Something about being up when I should be sleeping helps me write.
So many things rolling around in my head, but my body feels the same as it has all day. Pain from head to toes. But today for the first time in a long time I had gaps in time that were peaceful. Moments I knew God was there with me. Many times we are so busy that those moments so easily pass us by unnoticed. I have felt so off kilter lately, unable to find my footing. I have a good sense when there are lies running loose in my head and can shut them down quite deliberately. But of late I have not been able to stop then even when I notice. As if they have a life of their own. Simple things, little things that easily fester forgetting to put something on the grocery list and calling myself stupid for it. Those things add up after a while, until I don’t need to forget something to call myself stupid. Fiction said in passing becomes fact if left alone to ruminate. Of course there are still the big things that take up valuable real estate in my head. Things I can do nothing about, that can only be released to God for resolution. Why does it take so much effort to give something up we never had control over in the first place? Control is an awful tease. Like a mirage in the desert when your thirsty. Its not really there, it never was. We chase it as if we could really catch it and eventually it chases us…into believing a lie.
But God still shows up in the middle of those lies. If my heart is open I can spot them like a teenager can find a fresh blemish on picture day. Out of character for me I asked for help, a tactic that I reserve for emergencies only, for fear of being hurt. And several people stepped up to show me love in their own way. My son was so sweetly holding my hand as we walked home from school, said “I will help you Mom, you just need rest. And I will get you some water and you will feel super better!”. My heart melted I had to stop on the sidewalk and thank Jesus for sending such a cute messenger for his love. Later a friend stopped by with some food she had made and some thoughtful treats. This sister in Christ and I hardly know each other, but her heart is so clearly seen, I feel like I have known her a life time. God truly knows the people we need when we need them, too often I am quick to be angry instead of trusting that God has a better plan. It wasn’t until she was on her way out the door I realized why God had sent her specifically. Just before she shut the door she said “did anyone tell you they love you today?” And without waiting for an answer she said “I love you”. I was so touched I don’t even think I said it back. The answer to her question was no. I doubled over in tears after she shut the door. When I could breathe I said aloud “thank you Jesus, I love you too”. Just when I thought that I wasn’t hearing from God, on what seemed to be a desperate roller coaster the truth of God’s love helps me find my footing. I start to remember that He never changes, and neither does the way He feels about me.
My son and I often have this cute argument who loves who more. But he always looses when I change my argument to “But I loved you first”. I think God used that same argument “You have loved me before the foundations of the cosmos were laid” (John 17:24b – the voice). If I let go of my fear (and ask for help), I can release my grip on the illusion of control and get out of God’s way. For some reason the big things are so much easier to relinquish, our inability to control them is obvious. I gave my control over to God about my on-going custody case and he has shown his face so plainly. Yet the little things aren’t so obvious, so I do my best to wrestle with what little control I think I have over them. In the moments today when I caught myself wrestling, as usual I was able to stop and pause. The few seconds of silence in between redirecting my focus the same song would be playing in the back of my mind. As if it had been playing all day long, only to be heard during peaceful moments, when I stopped thinking long enough to breathe. Just one line from the song “King of my heart” by bethel played on repeat “You are good, you’re good Ohhh”. The ups and downs I felt today were also an illusion. The steady rhythm of God’s goodness was like a loving ambiance, only noticeable when its sought after with purpose. I was always anchored by the truth in my heart. He is good, so good. An anthem I must choose to live by, if I am not to be swallowed up by anger when clutching my illusion of control. Just let God be God. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Eternal , “plans for peace not evil, to give you a hope and a future-never forget that. At that time you will call out for Me , and I will hear. You will pray, and I will listen. You will look for me intently, and you will find Me. “ (Jeremiah 29:11-13 The Voice) A much needed lesson for my third birthday as new creation in Christ. He is good. So good.
Feb. 28, 2018